


Four Times Things Were Not What They Seemed

by ijemanja



Category: Rosemary and Thyme
Genre: Crack, F/F, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 07:02:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2842259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ijemanja/pseuds/ijemanja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(And one time they were.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Times Things Were Not What They Seemed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aubry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aubry/gifts).



> Slightly spoilery notes + content warning can be found in the endnotes. Happy yuletide, Aubry!

5\. 

There was a noise outside the room. The man froze at his desk as somewhere nearby a door opened and closed. He got to his feet. No one was supposed to be in this part of the house; they were all supposed to be at dinner at this hour. 

He heard footsteps retreating quickly, and when he came out the door he caught a glimpse of a floral blouse rounding the corner at the end of the corridor. 

It was them again - those two gardeners. They'd been poking their noses in all over the place since - well. Since that unpleasant business. 

Well, if they couldn't stay out of it, he was just going to have to convince them. 

He stalked off after them. It was a big house, but he knew it a little better than those two interfering interlopers, and he knew quite well they'd turned down a hallway that came to a dead end, just around this next corner.

He turned and -

"Oh shit, sorry!" Hands up, blocking the view, he backed away. "Sorry I - sorry."

"No, no, never mind," Rosemary said. "We were just - well, you know."

"Yes, sorry, we just came looking for a bit of privacy," Laura added.

"Shocking, I know, at our age, we should know better."

"Just can't keep our hands off each other, I'm afraid."

"No! It's fine! Perfectly, um, perfectly fine. Sorry to intrude! I'll just go." He spun round and hurried back the way he'd come.

Rosemary and Laura both gave a sigh of relief, and released each other.

"Well, I'm glad that worked," Laura said.

"Quick thinking, that was."

"Oh, I saw it in a film. A passionate embrace - well, people don't like to stay and ask questions, do they? Sorry if I... well there wasn't really time to ask."

"Well, desperate times."

"Exactly. Sacrifices must be made."

"Ends justify the, uh, the means."

"Oh, you've got a bit of lippy just -"

"Thanks."

Rosemary cleared her throat, thumbing the corner of her mouth. Laura finished buttoning her blouse.

"Well. Want to go snooping around some more?" she said.

"Absolutely," replied Rosemary gruffly.

 

4\. 

Another case solved, and the culprit was being taken away in handcuffs by the local police. They all watched as he struggled and shouted about his innocence, though no one considered for a moment that he _was_ innocent. After all, the clues stacked up, and the truth of the matter had been revealed by two intrepid lady gardeners who seemed to know what they were talking about, so why would anyone doubt it? 

The matter over and done with, Rosemary nodded to Laura, and the two of them went to pack their things in the back of the jeep, ready to move on. 

"That was some good work," she said.

"Yes," Laura agreed, as Rosemary wrestled with a noisy gear-change.

"Did you clean the pruning shears?" 

"No, I thought you did." 

"Oh, well, time for that later." 

"Before the next one." Laura watched the hedgerows pass as the truck trundled along the country lane. Easy enough to get blood off metal blades, after all.

"Laura." 

"Hm?" 

"Do you ever want to stop?" 

"No." Laura reached over and briefly touched Rosemary's hand on the gear shift. "Why, do you?" 

"No, just wondered." 

"I mean, there's no need, is there?" 

Rosemary nodded, and the two of them in their jolly old truck continued on their way. No, of course there was no need. No one ever suspected the gardeners, anyway.

 

3\. 

Laura sighed as Rosemary mouthed at her thighs. She scrunched her hands in the soft, short hair, urging her closer, nearer, in, in, _in_. 

"Oh, don't stop," she whined, as Rosemary resisted, lingering in the cleft of her hip.

"I'm not," Rosemary murmured, breathing in the brimming scent of her, splayed out on the new grass right there by the garden bed they'd been digging. "Impatient."

"Well, yes." Laura slid her hands into the soft, smooth strands of Rosemary's hair as lips and tongue grazed her vulva, pushing in amidst the hair and folds to find her throbbing clit. "Ah," she sighed, "now that's the stuff."

Rosemary hummed, too busy for words. She ran her hands over Laura's round thighs and under her bottom as she settled in for a good long stay between Laura's legs, licking and suckling at her, over and over again. The taste of her was divine, as plump and womanly there as she was all over. Rosemary wouldn't have stopped for anything, she wanted to devour her, Laura, tongue thrusting in deep as she could go, seeking more of that heady taste and retreating again, running the length of her labia to the peak where her clit stood firm and tall. She focused there for a while, pulling it between her lips and teasing with the tip of her tongue, till Laura actually whimpered - a lovely sound Rosemary had never heard before falling from her mouth.

She could have done with a little extra lubricant, actually, but still managed to work two fingers in, massaging the hot inner walls and licking at her clit till she felt a sudden rush of wetness and Laura clenching rhythmically around her.

"So, you do have it in you," she said.

"Well, under the right circumstances," Laura replied, rather breathless. "Now, come up here. I want, um, you. Here. Now."

Rosemary followed her orders quick smart, only pausing to wipe her mouth on her sleeve before stretching out on her side next to Laura, leaning over her, her leg nestled between Laura's thighs.

Laura took her face in her hands and pulled her down into a kiss.

"Well, that's a first," she said, running a fond hand over Rosemary's shoulder before coming up to pick a leaf from her hair. 

Rosemary canted her hips against Laura's thigh, rather distracted as Laura continued to stroke along her limbs almost absently, following her arm down to play with her fingers, then moving to her backside and trailing down her thigh as far as she could reach. 

"Sorry what? Oh, yes. Blasted sex pollen," Rosemary said. "At this rate we'll never get anything done."

"I know, and where's a plant like that even come from? Probably some remote Himalayan mountainside or some such."

"Surrey, actually."

"Ah."

"Well, shouldn't we get back to work? We've still this entire bed to go over."

"Well. Yes. We should," Rosemary said. "But." 

Laura considered the garden bed, and then considered Rosemary, pressed all up against her and biting her lip in a bit of an anxious fashion. "After another go?"

There was no arguing with sex pollen, after all.

Rosemary rolled over on her back, pulling Laura after her. The fresh green grass was damp beneath her and Laura was warm and heavy and devilishly attractive over her and she cared not one jot about anything but having her again, in every which way, as she said: "Yes." 

 

2\. 

"Er," said Mr Bellingham, sticking his head out his back window, "are you always out working this late?"

Rosemary and Laura, who were passing by with shovels, stopped and exchanged a look.

"Yes. All part of the service," Laura said with a wide smile.

"Yes. Best time for it, actually," Rosemary said, giving the man a similar smile and resisting the urge to hide the shovel behind her back.

"What, the middle of the night?" said Mr Bellingham. He'd always thought of gardening as more of a daytime occupation. But then, what did he know - this was why he'd employed the pair in the first place, wasn't it?

"Oh yes," Rosemary said.

"Now, don't mind us, we'll just get on with it, then."

Mr Bellingham shrugged and ducked back inside. Then he popped back out again. "You're not poking about after that mystery, by any chance? I've heard about you two, that's what you do, isn't it?"

"Oh, you caught us."

"Yes, sorry, out looking for clues."

Mr Bellingham rolled his eyes, waved a hand at them, and closed the window. Best to leave them to it; it _had_ been strange, the way his neighbour had turned up dead like that.

Out in the garden, under the stars, Laura sighed and hefted her shovel. "Right then. I hope we're not too late."

"Don't worry, we laid down the saltpetre, it'll hold at least till the moon is up."

They went down to the end of the garden and across the lane into the woody copse of birch and ash. It was darker under the trees, but Laura took a small torch from her pocket to light the way.

"Right," Rosemary said once they reached the spot. She checked her watch by torch-light. "Ten minutes till moonrise." 

"Best get digging, then." 

Laura propped the torch in a nearby tree fork and they set to with the shovels, soil and a fresh layer of fertiliser steadily shifting to reveal the half-formed demon spawn that lay in wait beneath the earth. With every fresh victim it would gain new strength until, full-grown, it would seek out and overcome its final host.

No one wanted to face _that_ in the middle of the night, under a full moon.

Ten minutes early, however, posed little trouble. The creature from the depths of hell struggled to rise while Rosemary threw the protective herbs, and Laura finished it off with a sharpened shovel-blade to the neck and a good heft of her foot.

"There," Laura said, as the foetid thing, now in pieces, smoked and shrivelled back into the ground. "Mr Bellingham won't be missing any more neighbours." 

"I've been thinking. What do you say about a laurel hedge, for the south wall?" 

Laura propped her shovel over her shoulder, took the torch from the tree, and she started back out to the lane. "I say we can talk about it in the morning. I'm knackered." 

Rosemary nodded dumbly as she followed along behind. A gardener's work was never done.

 

1\. 

"Rosemary, come and listen to this," Laura said, beckoning her over from where she was bringing in the last of their luggage from the truck. She turned back to the girl behind the desk. "Sorry, won't be a moment."

"What, no vacancies?" Rosemary said as she came to stand by Laura. "The sign said -"

"No, no, listen, the strangest thing just happened. You won't believe it. Go on," Laura said to the girl who was now giving them both an odd look, "ask her what you just asked me."

The girl, whose name-tag called her Kate, said hesitantly, "Um, sorry, I just asked if you wanted a twin room or a queen?"

"My word," Rosemary said.

"You see? Never thought I'd see the day."

"I'm sorry," said Kate again. "Is there something the matter?"

"Oh no," Laura said. "It's just -"

"No one's ever asked us before!"

"They haven't, not once. They always just put us up in twin beds, and well, we don't like to complain -"

"No, of course we wouldn't want to complain. Only you'd think with all the presumptions people make about us... I mean, _honestly_."

"Quite right. And, really, if it's all the same, for my part at least, I'd much rather -"

"Just once, sleep in the same damn bed with my own bloody wife," Rosemary finished testily.

Laura nodded. "What she said."

"Oh," said Kate. She blinked. "So -?"

"Queen room, please dear."

"Lovely, I'll just fetch your key. Do you need any help with your bags?"

Later, ensconced in their room, Laura settled back against the pillows and stretched out her legs, wiggling her toes under the covers. "Well, this is nice," she said.

"Mm," Rosemary agreed.

"Next time, maybe we should really let our heads go - hold out for a a king-size."

Rosemary opened one eye. "Let's not push our luck."

"Oh, you're probably right."

"Usually am."

"Hah," said Laura, and leaned over to kiss Rosemary goodnight.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this treat is something you enjoy, Aubry. It's cracky in places, and warning: there's one instance of sex pollen. If that's not your thing, totally understood.


End file.
